We interrupt your locally scheduled blog program to announce that a terrorist has hijacked Jen Wylie’s Blog.
Be on the lookout for a very large man with very long hair, claiming to be an author…
Tap, tap, tap. Is this thing on?
Hi, I’m Sean. People are starting to think I’m a little nuts, well I’m here to put an end to those rumors. It’s true!
See, in the real world, I get to be an author, an engineer, an editor, a father, a husband, and do all those fun things that accompany all those titles. You wonder why I’m a little crazy…
But here, in blog world, and on Facebook and the Twitter, and yes even in between the pages of my books, I get to be who I want and create characters that I’d want to hang out with. I’m kind of lucky that I have non-medicated outlets for my imagination. I imagine if I didn’t, my head would explode. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Okay, maybe a few of you would sleep better knowing my head was no longer attached, but I’m sorry to disappoint you! HAHAHAHA.
So you’re prolly wonderin’ why I hijacked my favorite Canadian’s blog. We’ll I’ll tell you. It’s the beginning of my play at world wide domination. Sure, it starts at a simple blog in Canada, but everybody has to start somewhere. You see, there are sooo many things wrong with the world today and the only way to fix them is by having a beneficent dictator in charge of a global economic governing body. We need to get rid of these silly little nations and focus on the earth. People are people. You think I’m joking, but what if hostile aliens came to town? You think they’re going to negotiate peace treaties with several hundred nations? No. I’m doing this for our protection as a species. See? I am being beneficent already.
Because you’re human, you’re probably wondering, “What’s in it for me?”
It’s not your fault. Such basic questions are encoded into our DNA. We’re always looking out for numero uno. Well some of you have scoffed at my bid for world domination. I thought I would use this time to coerce (I mean CONVINCE) you that I will one day rule you with a kind and gentle fist. Here is a list of everything that you will benefit from one day:
- I promise to sponsor a global initiative to bring back “YOUR MAMA” jokes. This is a must. Remember the 90’s? Your mama’s so dirty she gotta sneak up on her bath water? Ahhh, good times. Simpler times. I blame the curbing of Your Mama jokes as the decline of MTV and the fall of western civilization.
- Free breakfast at IHOP on Sundays. Go get your Rooti Tooti Fresh and Fruity on. Go ahead. You deserve it my little minions.
- Movie theater’s will no longer be allowed to charge more than $2 for a box of friggin Snowcaps. If they do, I shall inundate them with nuclear missiles. Damn that pisses me off. I mean, come on! We’re already payin like $20 just to watch the damn movie.
- The creators of “REALITY TV” shall be chained in central locations around the world on a rotating schedule to be available for public floggings.
- The cast of THE JERSEY SHORE shall be tortured for two seasons as retribution for torturing us for two seasons.
- MTV shall be forced to drop the “M” or start playin music videos again. Bastards.
- Stimulus money will be awarded to the biotech company that invents a vehicle that runs on the blood of BP EXECUTIVES.
- Penguins shall be our world mascot.
- Frito-Lay shall no longer be able to charge for Doritos and Cheetos. They got us addicted, they can pay the price.
- Colonel Sanders WILL divulge the secret spices and herbs used in making such tasty chicken. I suspect the list includes some illicit pharmaceuticals, but we’ll find out.
- All supplies of DECAF COFFEE shall be burned in an apocalyptic attempt to rid our world of such a violent offense against nature. Mother nature put the caffeine in the bean. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the line at Dunkin Donuts. Decaf coffee. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, SANKA?
- No longer will people be able to use the word “GINORMOUS”. God that irks the crap out of me.
- Pierce Brosnan shall be forced to shave his pelty chest. Blech.
- All commercials and televisions shall be narrated by Sean Connery.
- Burger king shall be forced to make better french fries. Those things they’re serving now SUCK!
- I shall do away with the whole daylight savings time thing. Fall is cool, but spring blows. While I’m at it, I’ll get rid of the whole time zone thingy too. That’s too confusing. GLOBAL TIME! WOO HOO.
- Professional Sports shall ALL be played on ice. I want my money’s worth damn it.
- If your only problem is your fat, you will not be allowed to purchase one of them electric scooter thingy’s. That’s just wrong.
- Fashion Police shall be placed at every Wal-Mart entrance. If you’re wearing purple leopard print spandex pants and I can see your underpants, GO HOME.
- Somebody will slap the crap out of Charlie Sheen.
- I will buy DR PHIL a toupe.
- I shall force the FORD MOTOR COMPANY to bring back the PINTO, but make it cooler than the original.
- I shall force nabisco to make “TRIPLE STUFT OREOS” and sell the cream center separately in tubs and little disks like “fruit rollups”.
That’s my list. I hope you vote for me in the next Global Elections. I promise to be a good little leader. If I’m not I promise to abdicate my throne to Jim Carrey. He could be fun too.
Ashlyn Thorn was born different. Born with all the characteristics of a vampire, she lives in a world where vampires, elves, and werewolves work, play, and die side by side with normal humans. But everyone knows vampires aren’t born, they’re made. The only thing she wants is to know her true origins.
Ashlyn’s quest to discover the truth of her differences is all that matters. But with every answer, she uncovers more uncertainties. To make things worse she has found herself an enemy of the most powerful vampires of the city who fear her powers are too dangerous to let go unchecked.
Salvation comes at the hands of the government, or does it, who trains her in the ways that best serve their purposes. Ashlyn is torn between two worlds. She can either be a monster, or she can help destroy the monsters.
About the author: He’s nuts.