BWAHAHAHA!

PSSSSSSHHHHHHHHT

We interrupt your locally scheduled blog program to announce that a terrorist has hijacked Jen Wylie’s Blog.

Be on the lookout for a very large man with very long hair, claiming to be an author…

PSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT

Tap, tap, tap. Is this thing on?

Hi, I’m Sean. People are starting to think I’m a little nuts, well I’m here to put an end to those rumors. It’s true!

See, in the real world, I get to be an author, an engineer, an editor, a father, a husband, and do all those fun things that accompany all those titles. You wonder why I’m a little crazy…

But here, in blog world, and on Facebook and the Twitter, and yes even in between the pages of my books, I get to be who I want and create characters that I’d want to hang out with. I’m kind of lucky that I have non-medicated outlets for my imagination. I imagine if I didn’t, my head would explode. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Okay, maybe a few of you would sleep better knowing my head was no longer attached, but I’m sorry to disappoint you! HAHAHAHA.

So you’re prolly wonderin’ why I hijacked my favorite Canadian’s blog. We’ll I’ll tell you. It’s the beginning of my play at world wide domination. Sure, it starts at a simple blog in Canada, but everybody has to start somewhere. You see, there are sooo many things wrong with the world today and the only way to fix them is by having a beneficent dictator in charge of a global economic governing body. We need to get rid of these silly little nations and focus on the earth. People are people. You think I’m joking, but what if hostile aliens came to town? You think they’re going to negotiate peace treaties with several hundred nations? No. I’m doing this for our protection as a species. See? I am being beneficent already.

Because you’re human, you’re probably wondering, “What’s in it for me?”

It’s not your fault. Such basic questions are encoded into our DNA. We’re always looking out for numero uno. Well some of you have scoffed at my bid for world domination. I thought I would use this time to coerce (I mean CONVINCE) you that I will one day rule you with a kind and gentle fist. Here is a list of everything that you will benefit from one day:

  • I promise to sponsor a global initiative to bring back “YOUR MAMA” jokes. This is a must. Remember the 90’s? Your mama’s so dirty she gotta sneak up on her bath water? Ahhh, good times. Simpler times. I blame the curbing of Your Mama jokes as the decline of MTV and the fall of western civilization.
  • Free breakfast at IHOP on Sundays. Go get your Rooti Tooti Fresh and Fruity on. Go ahead. You deserve it my little minions.
  • Movie theater’s will no longer be allowed to charge more than $2 for a box of friggin Snowcaps. If they do, I shall inundate them with nuclear missiles. Damn that pisses me off. I mean, come on! We’re already payin like $20 just to watch the damn movie.
  • The creators of “REALITY TV” shall be chained in central locations around the world on a rotating schedule to be available for public floggings.
  • The cast of THE JERSEY SHORE shall be tortured for two seasons as retribution for torturing us for two seasons.
  • MTV shall be forced to drop the “M” or start playin music videos again. Bastards.
  • Stimulus money will be awarded to the biotech company that invents a vehicle that runs on the blood of BP EXECUTIVES.
  • Penguins shall be our world mascot.
  • Frito-Lay shall no longer be able to charge for Doritos and Cheetos. They got us addicted, they can pay the price.
  • Colonel Sanders WILL divulge the secret spices and herbs used in making such tasty chicken. I suspect the list includes some illicit pharmaceuticals, but we’ll find out.
  • All supplies of DECAF COFFEE shall be burned in an apocalyptic attempt to rid our world of such a violent offense against nature. Mother nature put the caffeine in the bean. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the line at Dunkin Donuts. Decaf coffee. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, SANKA?
  • No longer will people be able to use the word “GINORMOUS”. God that irks the crap out of me.
  • Pierce Brosnan shall be forced to shave his pelty chest. Blech.
  • All commercials and televisions shall be narrated by Sean Connery.
  • Burger king shall be forced to make better french fries. Those things they’re serving now SUCK!
  • I shall do away with the whole daylight savings time thing. Fall is cool, but spring blows. While I’m at it, I’ll get rid of the whole time zone thingy too. That’s too confusing. GLOBAL TIME! WOO HOO.
  • Professional Sports shall ALL be played on ice. I want my money’s worth damn it.
  • If your only problem is your fat, you will not be allowed to purchase one of them electric scooter thingy’s. That’s just wrong.
  • Fashion Police shall be placed at every Wal-Mart entrance. If you’re wearing purple leopard print spandex pants and I can see your underpants, GO HOME.
  • Somebody will slap the crap out of Charlie Sheen.
  • I will buy DR PHIL a toupe.
  • I shall force the FORD MOTOR COMPANY to bring back the PINTO, but make it cooler than the original.
  • I shall force nabisco to make “TRIPLE STUFT OREOS” and sell the cream center separately in tubs and little disks like “fruit rollups”.

That’s my list. I hope you vote for me in the next Global Elections. I promise to be a good little leader. If I’m not I promise to abdicate my throne to Jim Carrey. He could be fun too.

Ashlyn Thorn was born different. Born with all the characteristics of a vampire, she lives in a world where vampires, elves, and werewolves work, play, and die side by side with normal humans. But everyone knows vampires aren’t born, they’re made. The only thing she wants is to know her true origins.

Ashlyn’s quest to discover the truth of her differences is all that matters. But with every answer, she uncovers more uncertainties. To make things worse she has found herself an enemy of the most powerful vampires of the city who fear her powers are too dangerous to let go unchecked.

Salvation comes at the hands of the government, or does it, who trains her in the ways that best serve their purposes. Ashlyn is torn between two worlds. She can either be a monster, or she can help destroy the monsters.

About the author: He’s nuts.

Advertisements

About shaydenfl

Born the son of a fire chief, Sean naturally developed a love of playing with fire. His family and friends quickly found other outlets for his destructive creativity. Writing is his latest endeavor. Always a fan of the macabre, mythical, and magical, Sean found a love of urban fantasy and horror. After writing several novels in this genre, he found, fell in love with, and immersed himself in steampunk. He has always wanted to rewrite history and steampunk gave him that opportunity. Sean currently lives in Florida as a fiber-optic engineer as well as an author. He was blessed with the two most amazing children he could ever hope for, has met the absolute love of his life, who coincidentally is his partner in everything. His hobbies include grand designs on world domination as well as a starring role in his own television sitcom.

17 thoughts on “BWAHAHAHA!

  1. jlwylie says:

    Seriously Sean, I can’t believe you hijacked my blog and posted this!
    Is that cheating? I’m trying to take over the world too you know!
    I will retaliate you evil fiend… oh yes… yes I will….

    I just need to think of the perfect thing… ideas anyone?

  2. shaydenfl says:

    HEHEHE. I ain’t skeered. Brings it, Canada!

  3. HAHA!! Hilarious! You’ve got my vote, Sean!

  4. Elysabeth says:

    Some of your ideas are great except for the Pinto – I drove a Pinto when I first started driving and although it is a good car, the Gremlin would be better to bring back – I loved my Gremlin – best, low maintenance, great gas mileage car I ever drove that is until some idiot man was making a left-hand turn in the pouring rain and stopped mid turn and I had no where to go but to front-end him – tore my car up and I cried – that was my best car ever.

    BK’s fries – yeah – don’t really care for them but don’t care much about BK food anyway so no biggie there; can say I do like their pancakes but pancakes are the same regardless where you get them – when you are in the mood for them, that’s what you do – get some pancakes from wherever they are available.

    I think we need to put Charlie Sheen in a centrally located public place for everyone to stand in line and take a turn at slapping the crap out of him. That boy has totally lost it.

    Oreo triple stuft – sounds good to me – lol. Now they have those tiny wafers with the cream and some fudge covering – probably not as good as all the hype on TV – shut the front door, Franklin Delano (such a take off from the Orbit gum commercials which I think need to be banned totally – seriously – it’s only promoting new ways for kids to curse and be disrespectful) because there probably isn’t that much cream in those fudge coverings (look pretty flat to me so can’t be that good if there isn’t much creamy center in them)

    Oh yeah, Sean Connery – that would get old but yeah he does have a dreamy voice – lol. Leave Pierce’s chest alone – that’s another sexy man who probably could narrate commercials too. I can add a few more to the list of voices who should be doing commercials but don’t want to overtake the world – lol.

    The coffee one doesn’t bother me since I don’t drink coffee, can’t stand the smell of coffee – makes me nauseated – so decaf, caffeinated, or no coffee works for me – I don’t touch the stuff and try to avoid smelling it if I can –

    The rest of them are minor issues – and I agree that some of them should be implemented as soon as possible – Yo Mama jokes – too funny – although there are still some places they are heard or some TV shows or movies – lol.

    Good luck with your world domination thing – good posting – enjoyed it – E 🙂

    Elysabeth Eldering
    Author of the Junior Geography Detective Squad, 50-state, mystery, trivia series

    Where will the adventure take you next?

    http://jgdsseries.blogspot.com
    http://jgdsseries.weebly.com

  5. LOL That was a very very funny rant Sean!I think my boys would agree w you on the Oreo’s idea.That’s the only part they seem to like!I also vaguely remember Sean Connery calling me up and leaving me a message about my movie being overdue at Blockbuster?You really need to do stand-up!: ) lol

  6. Sharon Jones says:

    Great post you two!
    I’d bring back the Corvair- my first car….

    But this time WITH air-conditioning…

  7. You know Sean, you just might make it. After all, you can’t do any worse then the a-holes in office now. Oh yes, Sean Connery. Sigh!!! There has never been another 007. He’s the man. Now Pierce, you just leave that bad boy alone. DO YOU HEAR ME?

  8. Matt S says:

    Sean, I’m not sure if you are aware that there is an actual election going on right now in our wonderful country. What a coincidence? We are going to the polls to vote in another leader. Perhaps we should just skip it and bring you up!

    Now, after doing some thoughtful comparisons I think you may have a few good points…I like the idea of a kind and gentle fist. But, I’m not sure about ‘all sports being played on ice’? I’m a little biased to only the best things being played on ice – curling and/or pairs figure skating!

    Now, I have to get back to my hockey play offs – game 7!

    • shaydenfl says:

      Hehehe. Thanks Matt. I just think professional football would be so much more entertaining on ice. Although fieldgoals might be difficult in skates. Pop. Pssssssst.

  9. I’ll vote for you, but only if this “All commercials and televisions shall be narrated by Sean Connery.” changes to this: “All commercials and televisions shall be narrated by Sean Connery, or Liam Neeson, or Sam Elliot, or James Earl Jones on a rotating basis.”

    Hell, I’d get cable for that.

    Julie

    • Elysabeth says:

      I can agree with you on three of the four – not a big Liam fan but James Earl Jones – Mr. Deep voice, oh yeah and Sam Elliott is just sexy as hell without the voice – lol.

      See Sean, you are still stirring up things around here – lol – E 🙂

      Elysabeth Eldering
      Author of the Junior Geography Detective Squad, 50-state, mystery, trivia series

      Where will the adventure take you next?

      http://jgdsseries.blogspot.com
      http://jgdsseries.weebly.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s